As we all know, software engineers are the smartest, sweetest, most pretentious bastards in corporate America. I should know — I’m engaged to one of them. But there’s no need to sacrifice your lifelong happiness like I did. Here are eleven quick ways to get a software engineer to say those five little words: “I sort of respect you.”
Engineers don’t like your fancy headers, bold red text formatting and inline images. What they do like is multi-level ascii lists. If you want emphasis, put it in between *two asterisks*. If you want over-emphasis, put it between _two underscores_. And never ever end any email with “Cheers.”
Go to Hacker News and read the first headline. Memorize it. Then, next time you’re chatting with an engineer, mention it. Work it into the conversation, no matter what it is.
There’s no faster way to get on the good side of most engineers than making fun of product managers. Huge bonus points if you yourself are a product manager — but in that case, your ego may be too inflated to make fun of yourself effectively, so here are some jokes you can use.
Leave an emacs buffer open on your desktop. I don’t know what it is either. Fill it with a bunch of words like “git” and “reddit” and “cloud” and “fetch”. If you really want to get him excited, use org-mode. Pro tip: Engineers think of org-mode as the Pearl Jam of organizational major modes.
Complimenting an engineer’s design skills is a lot like faking an orgasm — it’s empty flattery but it’ll pay dividends in the long run, maybe even get you a free dinner at Sizzler (i.e., the top of the list the next time something is broken). Don’t underestimate the power of a non-specific comment about his use of white space or the font on her buttons.
Engineers aren’t professional grammarticians, but they love correcting people. Even more, they love making you feel stupid. So get on their good side by pointing out the difference between e.g., and i.e., where the period goes in et.al, and the correct usage of the phrase, “begging the question.” For bonus points, discuss Latin roots.
One of the best things you can do to get on an engineer’s good side is make him feel as much like a regular person as possible, without insulting his intelligence. Say things like, “You’re too cool to be an engineer,” or “Nice kicks!” or “You don’t seem lonely at all.” Note: This only works on male engineers.
When all else fails, order some pizza and buy some beer. The good kind. Engineers love pretending to be beer snobs. Filling their stomachs and getting them drunk will definitely get you the sort of respect of every engineer you work with.The author of this article is Sarah Cooper. Sarah is a writer and a comedian.